12 Feb “Love Language”

With Valentimes Day just around the corner, we find it just the right time, to tell you a bit about the art of “Love Language”. We include “Love Language” as part of our Secrets at The Performance Retreat.

The reason why we work with “Love Language”, is because we ourself have worked with it throughout our time as a couple, having tremendous results and understanding each other even better. There was no doubt in our minds, that we needed to implement this as one of our 16 secrets for our clients.

Understanding and continuously implementing “Love Language” in your life will enable to understand yourself and your partner better.

So how does it work?

First of all you have to understand how the “Love Language” works. The thing is, that we tend to give the “Love Language” that we want ourself, without taking into consideration our partner’s “Love Language”. This is because we simply think, that it is very obvious for the other, that when we show what we actually want, then they sure must understand and will start giving us this. I am sorry to burst the bobble, but this is not how it works. 

You need to change your mindset

Clients that we work with very often say something like: “he or she needs to change before I can change.” Or “I have done so much during the years, now it is his or her time to show me.” If you truly want results in your partnership, then you have to start thinking completely different. First step is figuring out what your partners “Love Language” is, then your own. It is all about making a change within yourself before you expect a change from your significant other. Let me explain….

What are the 5 Love languages?

The 5 “Love Languages” are:

–Words of Affirmation

–Quality Time

–Receiving Gifts

–Acts of Service

–Physical Touch

Below are some cute videos that give a delightful explanation of the languages.

• Words Of Affirmation (kind words)

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving to a person with this “Love Language”.

• Quality Time

If quality time is your primary “Love Language”, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there – with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby – makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Quality Time also means sharing quality conversation and quality activities.

• Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous – so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are visual representations of love and are treasured greatly to this person.

• Acts Of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear is: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. Finding ways to serve a person with this “Love Language”, will truly make them shine.

• Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face – they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Physical touch fosters a sense of security and belonging to this person.

We hope you watched the videos – Cute right? Well we told you 🙂

Your “Love Language” relates to how you demonstrate and recognize love. Recognizing your “Love Language” is quite easy and instinctual but you can also pop over to www.5lovelanguages.com to take the official test.

Figure out what 2 “Love Languages” resonate the most to you

We believe that you have one major “Love Language” in the top of your list. This is your first and overall “Love Language” that resonates the most to you. Number two on your list is also very close to your heart and should not be overseen. Well actually we all have the 5  “Love Languages” in us, but we say, that 2 of them are your primary “Love Languages” and these are the ones you and your partner need to work the most with.

It’s all about listening and understanding what your partner needs, showing him or her this, without expecting anything back. Talking and communicating what your own “Love Language” is, and understanding that it is properly completely different to your partners. Accepting this and working on giving what actually fulfills  your partner, will be the key for a beautiful, healthy relationship.  

Examples

Let’s give you an example. Johan’s primary “Love Language” is Words Of Affirmation. It means the world to him that I speak nicely to him and let him know that he is appreciated. For me this is not on the top of my list. My primary “Love Language” is Acts of service. Nothing makes me more happy that Johan taking a burden off my shoulders like helping me carry the grocery bags or taking out the trash. Two completely different “Love Languages.” When we first meet, I did whatever in my power to serve Johan with my own primary “Love Language”, Acts of service. I carried the bags, cleaned, prepared him food and went out of this world to give him what I actually wanted for myself! Well, at the time, I did not know that this was my “Love Language.” We were in love and he in return gave me lots of kind words appreciating my hard work, but I was lacking the feeling of him actually doing something for me. 

With all this hard work of doing Acts of services, I did not realize that Johan needed the kind words as much as he did. Because I was giving my own “Love Language” I thought this was “enough”. Luckily I read about the “5 Love Languages” early in our relationship and we had a long talk about what actually made us happy and fulfilled. We were both surprised that, despite the fact that we were crazily in love, we had such different “Love Languages.” Slowly we started to give the “Love Language” we now knew the other were seeking, and our relationship grew stronger and stronger. All of a sudden we really understood each other better. Johan would now see when it was time to step in and ask if I needed help with something. I learnt to say yes and allow Johan so serve me. And it was now really easy for me to fulfill Johan’s “Love Language”, since I now had lots of things to praise him and thank him for! You see? A win win situation 🙂

There are so many examples of how practicing “Love Language” works. We would feel honored if you would share how practicing “Love Language” has worked for you. Or if you are new to this, what your thoughts are on getting started?

With love, Bitten xx

Reference: Dr. Gary Chapman, www.5lovelanguages.com